Saturday, July 14, 2012

Research Paper Roughness

So I've been staring at either my computer or my Writing 2010 notebook since around 2 o'clock this afternoon. And it is now 10pm. I have finally written an intro to my 7-9 page research paper, but I have no idea where to go from here. 

At around 5pm, I decided I just needed to start writing anything that I thought down on paper, just to clear my mind a bit. It ended up being kind of a confession/vent to myself. This is what I ended up writing down:

I don't like to write. I don't feel like I am any good at it. And compared to the rest of my dad's side of the family, I'm not good at it at all. They are all amazing writers and I don't belong. I feel inadequate, like I am never living up to their expectations. I think that's why I always have trouble getting started and being motivated to write, because I know that when it's all done, it will never be as good as anything anyone else in the family has written. 
When I read what Mike commented about Tom, about how he was sad that he has missed seeing Tom develop into a talented writer, I felt crushed. He has missed seeing me grow up as well, but I've never been recognized. And now that I'm not going to Med. School and I'm not going to be a doctor, I never will be recognized.
I feel like I always have so many thoughts and emotions running through my head and I have no way to adequately express them, because when I try to put them on paper, they are all jumbled and a big mess. Dance used to be my outlet for emotion; I could just pound out my feelings and frustrations into the floor and it was like they wouldn't be such a big deal anymore. I don't have that anymore and I wish I did. I need an outlet so I don't drive myself insane. 

I don't know why I have a blog sometimes because I'm not a good writer. But that is also why most of my posts have pictures to go along with them. 

I have been putting off taking this class for 2 years now because of this insecurity/inadequacy. But I have to take it to be able to get any degree. I can already tell that the intro to my paper is not that good at all and just the thought makes me cringe. I am dreading writing the rest of this paper because I am afraid that it is going to be horrible and being a type A student, that isn't acceptable for me.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry you are having a rough time. I certainly get those feelings of inadequacy. More often than not it seems these days. If you need any help, I'd be happy to look over it for you. (English major.) Shoot it to me in an email if you like. :-)


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